Forgive, do not Forget

In my role as a spiritual counselor, in addition to uncovering the divine gifts and soul purpose of my clients, the other major focus of my work is on revealing the subconscious negative patterns that my clients have been holding onto which are sabotaging their lives. As a result, they are empowered to consciously make the necessary changes to improve their lives.

Recently, a few clients have commented on their struggle in forgiving others, especially those people close to them. In this article, I would like to offer 3 strategies which I hope will help you look at forgiveness in a new light.

Before we begin, let’s look at why we find it difficult to forgive. It is usually because of the following false beliefs:
• Forgiveness means condoning what the other person has done and accept them into our lives again
• If we forgive, it means we are more likely to forget what was done to us
• We feel entitled to hold onto that anger because we demand an apology and are unable to let them off the hook

Strategy 1: Shifting Perspective
Byron Katie has developed a process called ‘The Work’ that focuses on examining our perception of the reality by turning around our current belief, and asking ourselves whether there is any truth in it.
For example: If you are currently unable to forgive someone because of the following belief: He has wronged me.

Turnaround 1 – to the self: I have wronged myself.
Is this true? Is there any element in it that is true? Although on the surface, we are angry with someone else for what he/she had done to us, but deep down, we are also angry with ourselves that we have let ourselves down, that we have failed to protect ourselves.
Turnaround 2 – to the other: I have wronged him.
Again, ask yourself, is this true? Is there any element in it that is true? Have I ever wrong him before? Looking from his perspective, we might have wronged him in some way?
Turnaround 3 –to the opposite: He hasn’t wronged me.
We have expectations of how people should treat us in a certain way. That’s why we get upset with others as our expectations are not being met.
But we can’t argue with reality, it is what it is, and we need to accept the reality before we can move forward and heal.

Strategy 2: Physical Health
“Resentment is like taking poison and waiting for the other person to die.” Malachy McCourt

Scientific research has shown that, the act of forgiveness offers several health benefits such as reduced levels of depression, anxiety and stress; improvement of immune system; lowering of blood pressure and the risk of heart attack.

According to Louise Hay, the acclaimed author of several international bestsellers including You can Heal your Life, there is a link between physical illness and negative mental patterns and that deep resentment over a long period of time eats away at the body and manifest as cancer in the body. Louise herself suffered a cancer due to deep-seated resentments from an abusive childhood and she healed her cancer through alternative treatments which included a focus in releasing those resentments.

Hence, for the sake of our own health, it is imperative to forgive and release those anger and resentment.

Strategy 3: Transforming the energy
When we are unable to forgive, we believe we are the victim and as a result we are disempowered and feel helpless. Although we cannot change the past, we can change our attitude towards ourselves and our future. We can do this by redirecting our energy to focus on the lesson that we have learnt from that situation and remember to never let it happen to us again. It could be about learning to speak up, to stand our ground or establish better boundaries. So, the next time you remember that incident, person or perhaps see them again, and feel the flame of anger rising, remind yourself of the lesson that you have learnt and feel that sense of personal power rising instead.

The role model that came to mind for me is the former president of South Africa, Nelson Mandela. After been imprisoned for 27 years, instead of taking revenge on the white apartheid government who has wronged him, he chose to forgive and redirected his energy to building a nation that is diverse, equal and accepting of all races. Also, he did not forget the inequalities suffered by the black South Africans under the Apartheid regime and implemented a policy called the Black Economic Empowerment, aiming to empower those who were economically disadvantaged under the rules of the former government.

In conclusion, for your own health, accept and forgive the past by letting go of the negative emotions attached to it. But you do not need to forget, instead, let it remind you of the lessons you have learnt and transform those anger into the energy of self-empowerment!